Helping Your Military Teenager Manage Stress
Overview
How military families can help their teenagers learn healthy ways to manage stress.
Being a teenager can be stressful. Being a teenager in a military family can be even more difficult. Teenagers feel pressure from all sides -- at school, with friends, and at home. Frequent moves or a deployed parent can make the pressure seem overwhelming. And teenagers don't always have the tools and information they need to handle stress in healthy ways. Below you'll find information for helping your teenager learn to recognize and deal with stress.
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Teenagers and stress
The first step in dealing with stress is learning to recognize it. Some teenagers can handle difficult times, like a PCS move, in stride, while others have a much harder time. By helping your teenager pay attention to the stress warning signs, you'll be teaching her to recognize when she needs to manage her stress level.
- Watch for signs of stress. Everyone reacts to stress differently, but here are some common signs of stress in teens:
- trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
- headaches, backaches, and stomachaches
- muscle tension
- skipping meals or overeating
- irritability
- frequent crying
- anxiety
- withdrawing from friends or family
- lack of energy or excessive boredom
- change in peer group
- decrease in school performance
- Help your teenager learn to recognize her own stress warning signs. For example, if you notice that your child tends to skip meals when she's worried, you could say, "I noticed that you didn't eat breakfast much this week. Is there something you're worried about?"
- Be familiar with what causes your teenager to feel stressed. Many teenagers feel stressed when a parent deploys or before a move. Other stressors can include academic pressures or a busy social schedule. By knowing what causes stress for your teenager you will be able to help her take action to alleviate stress before it develops.
- Learn how to communicate effectively with your teenager about important subjects, such as stress. Learning how to relate to teenagers can be a challenge. But parents should master this skill if they want to have their views considered thoughtfully by their teens. Avoid lecturing your teen -- they end up hearing condescension in your voice, which makes them feel as though they aren't smart enough to handle their own problems. Instead, try to lead your teenager through the decision process. Teens are usually capable of thinking through challenging decisions a step at a time, and they'll often surprise you with the solutions they develop. Most important, when teenagers come up with their own solutions, they are much more likely to learn. As a general rule, try to listen more and lecture less.
- Be aware of how events or changes in your family may affect your teenager's stress level. Parent or sibling stress will directly affect your teen's stress level. Many parents think their teenagers are old enough to handle stressful events, such as a divorce or a move, but this isn't always true. Younger teens are still generally very concrete in their thinking patterns. They may incorrectly believe they are to blame for certain family stresses. Be sure to help them understand when events are beyond their control. If your family is going through a stressful period, be sure that your teenager gets support and reassurance.
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Helping your teenager manage stress
Teenagers are especially vulnerable to major changes in routine -- like moving to a new duty station. Here are ways you can help your teenager learn to deal with stress:
- Make sure your teenager senses that you provide unconditional love and support. Even though we don't mean to do it, parents often convey to teenagers that our love or respect for them hinges on their performance. Make it clear to them that no matter what happens, you will be there for them and love them.
- Be sure your teenager knows that you're always available to listen -- without being judgmental or giving advice. It can be hard for parents to simply listen, but often teenagers just need a sounding board to help them think through problems on their own.
- Share your own stressful experiences. Talk about a stressful day at work and how you dealt with it, or share stories from when you were a teenager and felt overwhelmed. This will help your teenager understand that everyone is affected by stress.
- Be a good role model. If you're excited about a new move or handle your spouse's deployment well, so will your teenager. Likewise, if you are depressed and anxious, your teen will mirror those emotions. Don't fake these emotions, but try to approach your anxiety-causing experiences with strength and optimism.
- Help your teen see stressful events from a different perspective. For example, if your teenager worries that he's not part of the popular crowd, ask him what he admires in people in that crowd and whether those traits match up to his ideal of friendship.
- Understand the difference between distraction and avoidance activities. Watching television, calling a friend, or reading a book are all distractions that can help teenagers cope with stress. But sometimes these distractions can go on for too long and become ways to avoid the underlying problem. Talk with your teenager about how to break homework or other tasks down into manageable tasks rather than procrastinating or stressing out about whether or not they can be accomplished.
- Talk with your teenager about why it's important to replace unhealthy ways of managing stress with healthy ones. Help your child understand that sometimes stress can cause people to engage in risky behavior, such as smoking, drinking, or using drugs. Talk about how these unhealthy reactions to stress can actually make stress worse because they never solve the underlying problem.
- Talk about the role of negative thinking in stress. "Awfulizing" -- imagining the worst-case scenario -- or repeating negative thoughts almost always results in increased stress. Talk with your child about how he can recognize, and then learn to redirect, negative thoughts. Teenagers can break the chain of negative thinking by imagining they are using a remote control to switch channels to a more positive way of thinking.
- Help your teenager learn to forgive himself. Many young people have a perfectionist attitude -- they want to be the best at everything they do, whether it's a basketball game or the SATs. Your child needs to learn that it's not possible to always be the best and it's OK if he has a bad day. It's also important to do a little self examination. Parents who are perfectionists are likely to raise teenagers who feel the same way and are overly hard on themselves.
- Acknowledge your teenager's worries and fear. Teenage worries may seem trivial to parents, but if you treat even a teenager's small concerns with respect, you will gain credibility, and it's more likely that your teenager will go to you when larger concerns arise. Try to avoid saying things like, "You won't even remember this when you're older," or "You think that's stressful, try working!" Responses like these may make your teenager feel that his concerns aren't important to you or that you "just don't understand."
- Avoid setting expectations that are too high for your child. Teenagers will live up to or down to your expectations of them. Stress is often a result of parents placing expectations that are too high on their children. Remember to compliment your teenager when he handles activities and challenges well. And strive to find the right balance of expectations.
- Encourage your teenager to tackle stress at its source. This can be the best way to deal with specific stressors. For example, if your teenager is feeling stressed by the prospect of an upcoming test, advise him to seek extra help from his teacher or ask another student to study with him. Addressing the stress directly is often more efficient than getting bogged down in the emotions generated by the stress. It's important to acknowledge and honor the emotions, but it's also important to move quickly on to solutions that will neutralize the stress itself.
- Try not to take your teenager's stress personally. You can't protect your child from stress or manage it for him, but you can help him learn ways to handle it. Seeing your child cope successfully with and overcome stressful challenges can be one of the most rewarding experiences of parenthood.
- Don't assume that your teenager will be able to deal with stress on his own. Your teenager needs your help identifying sources of stress and figuring out ways to reduce that stress. If you learn to develop a subtle, nonjudgmental, and genuine approach, you can become one of your teen's most important resources in managing stress.
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More practical tips for managing stress
There are many other small, practical steps your teenager can take to manage stress. You can help your child in the following ways:
- Keep up your family routines. Even during deployments or a PCS move, try to keep your routine the same. This can include family meals or a weekly movie night.
- Encourage your teenager to exercise, eat well, and get enough sleep. These are the basic rules of stress management. Without regular sleep, exercise, and healthy foods, it's difficult to be at one's best. Also remember that consuming too much caffeine can actually make stress worse because it makes many people feel more stress.
- Help your child be organized. Hours spent looking for car keys or trying to find an assignment are wasted time. Encourage your child to be more organized about schoolwork by writing assignments in a single notebook, checking her assignment book at the end of each day to make sure she's bringing home the right books, and planning ahead for long-term projects. Your teenager can be more organized in other ways, including:
- keeping track of appointments and events in a planner or calendar
- making to-do lists
- having a designated homework area stocked with all the necessary supplies
- cleaning out school or sports bags once a week
- Help your teenager learn to take advantage of her most efficient times of the day. If your child tends to fade in the late afternoons then perk up after dinner, encourage her to do her homework then. Many teenagers actually feel most alert and energetic later in the evening and into the night due to the specific biochemical changes of adolescence.
- Encourage your teenager to find and participate in activities that she loves. Whether your child plays the clarinet or is a member of a sports team, make sure she sets aside time to participate in the activities she enjoys. Engaging in something that makes her happy is one of the best stress relievers available.
- Give your teenager the time and space to deal with stress in whatever way works for her. You may not feel that blaring music in her bedroom or spending an hour chatting online is a good stress-relief technique, but they may be very effective for your teenager. It's also important to let your teenager unwind at her own pace. If she needs an hour after school to decompress, try to give it to her before you make demands. Agree on a reasonable amount of time for unwinding and then help her stick to the agreement she makes.
- Experiment with new stress-relief techniques together. You might try going for walks, taking a yoga class, watching funny movies, practicing guided relaxation, or playing cards. You can also reduce stress by:
- writing in a journal
- exercising
- practicing deep breathing
- taking a relaxing shower or bath
- reading a favorite book or magazine
- drinking a cup of decaffeinated tea
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Getting help
Most of the stress that teenagers experience is a normal part of adolescence. But sometimes teenagers experience chronic stress or stress that might lead to negative behavior or emotional problems. If you are concerned about your teenager's emotional or physical well-being, get help immediately from a professional, such as your pediatrician, an adolescent medicine specialist, or a counselor. Military OneSource can help you find a local counselor and provide you with additional resources and information.
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Other resources
American Academy of Pediatrics (Children, Teens, and Resiliency)
www.aap.org/stress
Resources for parents and a link to a personalized online stress-reduction plan for teens.
American Academy of Pediatrics (Uniformed Services Deployment)
www.aap.org/sections/unifserv/deployment/index.html
Created by military pediatricians, this site provides resources to help families cope with deployment.
Military Student
www.militarystudent.dod.mil
Information about deployment and related educational, social, and emotional issues.
Military Teens on the Move
www.dod.mil/mtom
Provided by the Department of Defense, this site has useful information for teenagers facing a move.
National Guard Family Program Online Community
www.guardfamily.org
Contacts and information on programs and benefits. Includes tips, tools, and training on family issues.
National Military Family Association (NMFA)
www.nmfa.org
The Web site's "Deployment & You" section provides many resources.
Service branch Web sites:
Your installation's support services
Depending on your service branch, your Fleet and Family Support Center, Marine Corps Community Services, Airman and Family Readiness Center, or Army Community Service Center can provide you with information and support. Also, consider contacting your pediatrician or primary care physician for initial help.
Military OneSource
This free 24-hour service, provided by the Department of Defense, is available to all active duty, Guard, and Reserve members and their families. Consultants provide information and make referrals on a wide range of issues, including stress and anxiety. You can reach the program by telephone at 1-800-342-9647 or through the Web site at www.militaryonesource.com.
The development of this article was funded by the IBM Global Work-Life Fund and the AT&T Family Care Development Fund, a joint project of AT&T, the Communications Workers of America, and the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers,
Written with the help of Mary Beth Klotz, Ph.D., a project director at the National Association of School Psychologists (NASP) and Keith M. Lemmon, M.D., Adolescent Medicine Fellow, Brooke Army and Wilford Hall Medical Centers.
© 2004, 2007 Ceridian Corporation. All rights reserved. 022007
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