Helping a Teenager Who May Be at Risk of Committing Suicide

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The teenage years can be a difficult time for you and your child. Adolescents may break rules or experiment with different behaviors as they try to establish their independence. As a parent, it's important for you to know the symptoms of emotional distress during this period of change. Mood swings are normal, but young people who are suicidal will often give clues that they feel hopeless or out of control, and it's important to know when your teenager's feelings are a normal part of growing up and when they are putting him or her at risk. By staying involved in your child's life, talking openly together, and knowing the warning signs of suicide, you can help deter at-risk behavior and make sure your child gets the help he or she needs.

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Warning signs

Some changes in behavior are normal in teenagers. Due to physical and emotional developments, your adolescent may have times when he seems moody, irritable, or withdrawn. But when these changes disrupt your child's ability to function on a day-to-day basis, he may be suffering from adolescent depression -- a condition that can lead to suicidal behavior. You should be aware of the following warning signs:

• Verbal or written threats of suicide. It is very common for teenagers who attempt or commit suicide to make some kind of threat beforehand. Examples are statements like "Sometimes I wish the pain was all over," "I might as well be dead," or "They will be sorry (or better off) when I'm gone."
• Obsession with death. If your child becomes preoccupied with themes of illness, death, and dying, pay attention to him. He may also write poems, essays, or create pieces of artwork that refer to death.
• Accidents or high-risk behaviors. These include reckless driving, self-inflicted injuries, running away from home, increased alcohol or drug use, food issues, problematic friendships, and criminal behavior. Watch out for any kind of irrational, abnormal behavior at home or at school.
• Withdrawal and loss of interest. If your child seems depressed for more than two weeks at a time, turns inward, pulls away from peers, quits activities, or experiences a significant drop in academic performance, you should be concerned.
• Recent important losses. Your teenager may become suicidal as a result of problems or changes in his life that make him feel trapped or without control. These may include divorce in the family, the break-up of a relationship, moving to a new community, a friend or family member moving away, or the death of a loved one. In addition, having a family member, friend, or peer who has committed or attempted suicide increases your child's risk of suicide. He may see this as a valid way to handle difficult problems.
• Depression that suddenly lifts for unknown reasons. This may indicate that your teenager has made the decision to commit suicide, and has focused his energy on carrying through with any plans. The risk of suicide may be the greatest at this point.
• Major changes in sleep or eating patterns. If your child looks worn and tired, can't sleep or sleeps excessively, loses his appetite, or begins overeating, he may be suffering from depression.

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Steps to take

• Take action right away. Trust your instincts. If it seems like the situation may be serious, seek professional help immediately. Break a confidence if necessary; you could save your child's life.
• Talk with your teenager. Don't be afraid to ask your child, "Are you feeling so upset that you are thinking about suicide?" If her response is "Yes," take her very seriously. If she seems to have a definite plan, or a set time, and the means to commit suicide, she is at very high risk. Asking questions will not put the idea of suicide into someone's head. By approaching the topic directly with your teenager, you will encourage open communication, and get her the help she needs.
• Seek immediate help from a professional. Contact a therapist, a mental health professional, a guidance counselor, a faith leader, or an emergency room immediately. You can call a suicide hotline, such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255).
• Talk with your teenager's friends. Over 92 percent of suicidal teenagers say that they would tell a friend before harming themselves. By talking with your teenager's friends, you'll be in a better position to know if your child is thinking about hurting himself.

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How do I talk with my teenager about suicide?

Do not be afraid to talk with your teenager about suicide. Talking openly and sincerely allows your child to communicate her distress to you, and can help prevent her from acting on her harmful thoughts. Most suicidal teenagers do not really intend to hurt themselves. They are simply looking for immediate relief and an escape from their sadness and emotional pain. Take the time to support and listen to your child -- showing how concerned you are and how much you care can make a real difference.

Here are some ways you can help your child if she is making suicidal threats or showing suicidal behaviors:

• Tell your teenager that you care and are worried. You may think your teen knows how much you love her, but reminding her can help her feel that she's not alone.
• Set up a time to talk. Pick a time when you and your teen can focus on the conversation. Minimize distractions, like the television, phone, or household interruptions. Let your teenager know that you want to talk because you're concerned about some of her behavior. Make it clear that you have no intention of punishing your child and that it's important that you to talk with each other.
• Describe what you've noticed. Be specific. You might say "You've seemed kind of sad over the past few weeks." Be clear about why the behavior troubles you.
• Be willing to listen and provide support. Listen to your teen without interrupting. It's easy for emotions to get in the way, but try to stay as calm as possible while you listen. Try to see things from your teenager's point of view; she'll be more comfortable telling you the truth if you show respect for what she has to say. Taking your teenager's feelings seriously and offering your help are ways of providing emotional support.
• Ask concerned questions, and explain that better times are ahead. Do not minimize your child's feelings or perceptions; while it may be difficult to listen to your child's pain, it's important to hear how she feels. Do not try to change your teenager's mood right away by making statements like, "Everything is going to be fine" or "That's no big deal, you can't let something like that get you down." Statements like these can cut off the opportunity for your teen to express herself. Instead say things like, "I know you are suffering" or "That sounds very hard to manage."
• Try to agree with your teen on a plan of action. Use your conversation to begin solving the problem. What help do you need to address the problem? Would your teenager benefit from seeing a counselor or talking with another trusted adult? Together, come up with a plan to involve others who can help you find solutions. Follow through on your role in the plan of action. Going to the counselor with your teenager, for example, is critical in showing your child that she can rely on and trust you.
• Offer hope. Saying things like "We're in this together," "I'll see you tomorrow," or "Give me a call later" will let your teenager know that she's not alone and that you want to share the future with her. Making plans to spend time together will keep your teenager focused on the future -- an important step toward recovery.

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Where to get help and support

Many parents look outside the family for help in solving teenage problems. And many teenagers find it easier to talk with others about things they wouldn't tell their parents. Discuss together where your teenager can go for advice and support.

If your teenager threatens or has attempted suicide, treat it as a crisis, and do not minimize the cry for help. Consult a local crisis or suicide hotline that provides emergency advice and referrals. If your child is at immediate risk, call 911, the emergency medical services (EMS), or take him to a hospital emergency room yourself.

• Support at school. Teachers and guidance counselors usually deal with school performance issues, but they are probably comfortable talking with your child about other troubling issues as well. Some schools have students trained to give support to peers about social, personal, and academic concerns. Often a respected teacher or friend at school can encourage your teenager to accept additional help.
• Family doctor. Your child's pediatrician or the family doctor can address a health problem affecting your teenager. A physician can prescribe medication for depression, if needed, and tell you about support groups and other resources in your community.
• Friend or relative. A trusted adult can give advice, answer questions about depression and other problems, or offer alternatives to running away. A friend or relative might also encourage your teen to accept professional help.
• Seek out support for yourself, too. One way to help your teenager is to make sure you have support from others who recognize how difficult this time can be for you. A spouse, friend, or a consultant at Military OneSource (1-800-342-9647) may provide the help you need. You might also consider joining a support group for parents.

Sometimes people are reluctant to ask for help because of a perceived stigma about depressed or suicidal people -- thinking that others will think they're "crazy" or "scary." They may also fear that if they ask for outside help, they won't be able to maintain their sense of anonymity. In order to get your child, your family, and yourself the help that all of you need during this time, remember not to be deterred by any of the following:

• a false sense of embarrassment about what others will think
• a false sense of guilt that this is happening because you or your child has done something wrong
• a false need to maintain your privacy at all costs

Establishing a healthy relationship with your teenager is one of the best ways you can prevent your child from engaging in at-risk behaviors. Spending time with her, helping your child build her self-esteem, and keeping the lines of communication open are all ways to provide a strong foundation of safety and support.

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Resources

Your military support services

Each service branch sponsors information and support programs for service members and their families. You can call or visit any installation Army Community Service Center, Marine Corps Community Services, Fleet and Family Support Center, or Airman and Family Readiness Center regardless of your branch affiliation.

If you aren't near an installation, National Guard Family Assistance Centers are available in every state. The Local Community Resource Finder on the National Guard Family Program site at www.jointservicessupport.org will identify your closest center.

Military OneSource

This free 24-hour service is available to all active duty, Guard, and Reserve members (regardless of activation status) and their families. Consultants provide information and make referrals on a wide range of issues, including issues related to parenting, deployment, and reintegration. Free face-to-face counseling sessions (and their equivalent by phone or online) are also available. Call 1-800-342-9647 or go to www.MilitaryOneSource.com to learn more.

Written with the help of Marjorie Dyan Hirsch, LCSW, C.E.A.P. Ms. Hirsch is an organizational crisis-management specialist and corporate consultant in New York City. She is a credentialed alcoholism and substance abuse counselor, a certified employee assistance professional, and a board-certified expert in traumatic stress. She provided debriefings for the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) during the Oklahoma City bombing and for many major corporations after both World Trade Center crises.

© 1998, 2009 Ceridian Corporation. All rights reserved. (Military OneSource reviewed 2010) 052610

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